Religiously-Themed

Jesus Ethnicity

Scholars have long debated the exact ethnicity and nationality of Jesus.

Recently, at a theological meeting in Rome, scholars had a heated debate on this subject. One by one, they offered their evidence.....

THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS MEXICAN:

  1. His first name was Jesus
  2. He was bilingual
  3. He was always being harassed by the authorities

But then there were equally good arguments that....

JESUS WAS BLACK:

  1. He called everybody “brother”
  2. He liked Gospel
  3. He couldn’t get a fair trial

But then there were equally good arguments that....

JESUS WAS JEWISH:

  1. He went into His Father’s business
  2. He lived at home until he was 33
  3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin, and his Mother was sure he was God

But then there were equally good arguments that....

JESUS WAS ITALIAN:

  1. He talked with his hands
  2. He had wine with every meal
  3. He used olive oil

But then there were equally good arguments that....

JESUS WAS CALIFORNIAN:

  1. He never cut his hair
  2. He walked around barefoot
  3. He started a new religion

But then there were equally good arguments that....

JESUS WAS IRISH:

  1. He never got married
  2. He was always telling stories
  3. He loved green pastures

But perhaps the most compelling evidence.....

THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS A WOMAN:

  1. He had to feed a crowd at a moment’s notice when there was no food
  2. He kept trying to get the message across to a bunch of men who just didn’t get it
  3. Even when He was dead, He had to get up because there was more work to do....

A Quiz

  1. Name the five wealthiest people in the world.
  2. Name the last five Heisman trophy winners.
  3. Name the last five winners of the Miss America contest.
  4. Name ten people who have won the Nobel or Pulitzer prize.
  5. Name the last half dozen Academy Award winners for best actor and actress.
  6. Name the last decade’s worth of World Series winners.

How did you do?

The point is, none of us remember the headliners of yesterday. These are no second-rate achievers. They are the best in their fields. But the applause dies. Awards tarnish. Achievements are forgotten. Accolades and certificates are buried with their owners.

Here’s another quiz. See how you do on this one:

  1. List a few teachers who aided your journey through school.
  2. Name three friends who have helped you through a difficult time.
  3. Name five people who have taught you something worthwhile.
  4. Think of a few people who have made you feel appreciated and special.
  5. Think of five people you enjoy spending time with.
  6. Name half a dozen heroes whose stories have inspired you.

Easier? The lesson?

The people who make a difference in your life are not the ones with the most credentials, the most money, or the most awards. They are the ones that care. Pass this on to those people who have made a difference in your life.

Sailing Advice

Here is how to manufacture some additional luck to tip the scales in your favor for the future. (off the top of my head)

  • Figure out which direction to point the boat and go as fast as possible.
  • Start your trip from the advantageous side of the line.
  • Begin the voyage before the others do but do not begin the trip too early.
  • Go around the marks. Do not hit them.
  • Keep out of the other sailors way. The best way to do this is to be in front of them.
  • Try to get to the finish line as fast as possible. Make believe you are late for a free lunch.
  • Forget about the other boats unless they are on a collision course with you.
  • Think about how to go faster and faster.
  • Look for clear air.
  • Stay in the middle of the course on shifty days.
  • Try to avoid the parade while approaching a mark.

Remember to have fun.

The Story of Adam and Eve

In The Beginning, God created the Heaven and the Earth. And the Earth was without form, and void, And darkness was upon the face of the deep

And the Devil said, “It doesn’t get any better than this.”

And so God created Man in His own image; Male and female He created them.

And God looked upon Man and Woman And saw that they were lean and fit. And God populated the earth With broccoli and cauliflower and spinach And green and yellow vegetables of all kinds, So Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.

And so the Devil created McDonald’s. And McDonald’s brought forth the 79-cent double cheeseburger. And the Devil said to Man, “You want fries with that?” And Man said, “Super size them.” And Man gained five pounds.

And so God created the healthful yogurt, That Woman might keep her figure But the Devil brought forth chocolate. And Woman gained five pounds.

And God said, “Try my crispy fresh salad.” And the Devil brought forth Ben and Jerry’s. And Woman gained 10 pounds.

And God said, “Why doth thou eatest thus? “I have sent thee heart-healthy vegetables And olive oil with which to cook them.”

But the Devil brought forth chicken fried steak So big it needed its own platter. And Man gained 10 pounds And his bad cholesterol went through the roof.

And so God brought forth running shoes. And Man resolved to lose those extra pounds

And the Devil brought forth cable TV with remote control So Man would not have to toil to change channels between ESPN and ESPN2. And Man gained another 20 pounds.

And so God brought forth the potato, A vegetable naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition. And the Devil peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fat fried them. And then the Devil created sour cream dip.

And Man clutched his remote control And ate the potato chips swaddled in cholesterol. And the Devil saw and said, “It is good.”

And Man went into cardiac arrest. And God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery. And the Devil cancelled Man’s health insurance.

So God showed Woman how to peel the skin off chicken And cook the nourishing whole grain brown rice.

And the Devil created light beer So Man could poison his body, While feeling righteous because he had to drink twice as much of the now-insipid brew to get the same buzz. And Man gained another 10 pounds.

And Woman ventured forth Into the land of Godiva chocolate, And upon returning asked Man, “Do I look fat?” And the Devil said, “Always tell the truth.”

And Man did.

And Woman went out from the presence of Man And dwelt in the land of the divorce lawyer, East of the marriage counselor.

And the Devil said, “It doesn’t get any better than this.”

Who’s Got Religion?

The following statements about the Bible are said to have been written by children and have not been retouched or corrected (i.e., bad spelling has been left in).

  • The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.
  • A Christian should have only one spouse. This is called monotony.
  • Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree.
  • Noah’s wife was called Joan of Ark. Noah built an ark, which the animals come on to in pears.
  • Lot’s wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.
  • The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with the unsympathetic Genitals.
  • Samson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah.
  • Samson slayed the hilistines with the axe of the Apostles.
  • Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread which is bread without any ingredients.
  • The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten amendments.
  • The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.
  • Moses died before he ever reached Canada.
  • Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol.
  • The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.
  • David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Finklesteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.
  • Solomon, one of David’s sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.
  • When Mary heard that she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.
  • When the three wise guys from the east side arrived, they found Jesus in the manager.
  • Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.
  • St. John, the blacksmith, dumped water on his head.
  • Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before they do one to you.
  • He also explained, “a man doth not live by sweat alone.”
  • It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.
  • The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 decibels.
  • The epistles were the wives of the apostles.
  • One of the opossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan.
  • St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage.

Favorite Hymns

The Dentist’s Hymn
...Crown Him With Many Crowns
The Weatherman’s Hymn
...There shall be showers of Blessing
The Contractor’s Hymn
...The Church’s One Foundation
The Tailor’s Hymn
...Holy, Holy, Holy
The Golfer’s Hymn
...There is A Green Hill Far Away
The Politician’s Hymn
...Standing on the Promises
The Optometrist’s Hymn
...Open My Eyes That I might See
The IRS Agent’s Hymn
...I Surrender All
The Gossip’s Hymn
....Pass It On
The Electrician’s Hymn
...Send the Light
The Shopper’s Hymn
....Sweet By and By

Now, for those who speed on the highway - a few hymns for you:

45 mph
...God Will Take Care of You
55 mph
...Guide Me, O Thou Great Jehovah
65 mph
...Nearer My God to Thee
75 mph
...Nearer Still Nearer
85 mph
...This World Is Not My Home
95 mph
...Lord, I’m Coming Home
and over 100 mph
...Precious Memories

There Are No Atheists When The Server’s Crashing

From Information Week.

Pope John Paul II is close to naming Saint Isidore of Seville the patron saint of Internet users and computer programmers.

Isidore, who lived in Visigoth-occupied Spain, spoke numerous languages and is considered one of the most educated men of his time. He’s most famous for compiling a 20-volume encyclopedia called “The Etymologies,” a vast work that included entries on everything from grammar to agriculture. It’s considered by some to be the sixth-century equivalent of a Web portal.

“I can hear it now, people invoking Saint Isidore to make sure a URL is correct,” says the Rev. Michael Joncas, a theologian at the University of Notre Dame. But he says a patron saint would serve more to provide a model for a virtuous online life, not to bless downloads. Says Joncas, “We don’t think that this saint is actually going to change the particles and electrons in the computer.” - David M. Ewalt and Reuters

Isidro (modern version of Isadore), adds

“By the way the Saint’s day is May 15, if any of you did not know. In Spain the day of your Saint is kind of like a birthday.

“The saying goes like this: ‘San Isidro Labrador pone el agua y quita el Sol’; ‘Saint Isidro the farmer gives you the water and removes the Sun’”

version:2
date:2/37/02