Product Announcements

Standard Newsgroup Response Form

Dear:

   [ ] Clueless Newbie         [ ] Loser           [ ] Dung
   [X] AOLer/Euronetter/PIer   [ ] Jackass         [ ] Jerky
   [ ] Me too er               [ ] Pervert         [ ] Geek
   [ ] Spammer                 [ ] Nerd            [ ] Elvis
   [ ] Fed                     [ ] Freak           [ ] FLAMENET
   [ ] Unbearably self-righteous person
   [ ] Other:__________________


You Are Being Flamed Because:

   [ ] You posted a "test" in a newsgroup other than alt.test/nl.test
   [ ] You posted warez in pieces LESS than 5000 lines
   [ ] You posted a binary in a non-binaries group
   [ ] You quoted an ENTIRE post in your reply
   [ ] You continued a long, stupid thread
   [ ] You started an off-topic thread
   [X] You posted a "Chicago sucks!" message
   [ ] You said "me too" to something
   [ ] You don't know which group to post in
   [ ] You suck
   [ ] You brag about things that never happened
   [ ] Your sig/alias/server sucks
   [ ] You posted a (phone-sex) ad
   [ ] You posted something totally uninteresting
   [ ] You crossposted
   [ ] You posted a message all written in CAPS
   [ ] You posted racism shit
   [ ] I don't like your tone of voice
   [ ] I think you might be a member of CO$
   [X] AOL just sucks
   [ ] I think you might be a fed


To Repent, You Must:

   [X] Give up your AOL/Euronet/Planet Internet account
   [ ] Bust up your modem with a hammer and eat it
   [X] Jump into a bathtub while holding your monitor
   [ ] Actually post something relevant
   [ ] Read the f****** FAQ
   [ ] Grow a damn brain
   [ ] Be Clinton's love slave
   [ ] Be the guest of honor in alt.flame for a month
   [ ] Apologize to everybody in this newsgroup
   [ ] Post your tests to alt.test/nl.test
   [ ] Take your head out of your ass


In Closing, I'd Like to Say:

   [ ] Blow me
   [ ] Get a life
   [ ] Never post again
   [X] I pity your dog
   [ ] Go to hell
   [ ] I think your IQ must be 7
   [ ] Take your s*** somewhere else
   [ ] Learn to post or F.O.!
   [X] Do us all a favor and jump into some industrial equipment
   [ ] See how far your tongue will fit into the electric outlet
   [ ] See how far your tongue will fit up your ass
   [ ] All of the above

End of Flame.

Have a nice day,

For You Mathematicians

After applying some simple algebra to some trite phrases and cliches a new understanding can be reached of the secret to wealth and success.

Here it goes.

  • Knowledge is Power
  • Time is Money and as every engineer knows,
  • Power is Work over Time.

So, substituting algebraic equations for these time worn bits of wisdom, we get:

  • K = P (1)
  • T = M (2)
  • P = W/T (3)

Now, do a few simple substitutions:

Put W/T in for P in equation (1), which yields:

  • K = W/T (4)

Put M in for T into equation (4), which yields:

  • K = W/M (5)

Now we’ve got something. Expanding back into English, we get:

Knowledge equals Work over Money.

What this MEANS is that:

  • The More You Know, the More Work You Do, and
  • The More You Know, the Less Money You Make.

Solving for Money, we get:

  • M = W/K (6)

    Money equals Work Over Knowledge.

From equation (6) we see that Money approaches infinity as Knowledge approaches 0, regardless of the Work done.

What THIS MEANS is:

The More you Make, the Less you Know.

Solving for Work, we get

  • W = M x K (7)
Work equals Money times Knowledge

From equation (7) we see that Work approaches 0 as Knowledge approaches 0.

What THIS MEANS is:

The stupid rich do little or no work.

Working out the socioeconomic implications of this breakthrough is left as an exercise for the reader.

Managed Caring

Welcome to Managed Caring(tm), a whole new way of thinking about friendship. The Managed Caring Plan(tm) combines all the advantages of a “traditional” friendship network with important cost-saving features.

HOW DOES IT WORK ?

Under the Plan, you choose your friends from a network of pre-screened accredited Friendship Providers. All your friendship needs are met by members of your Managed Caring(tm) panel.

WHAT’S WRONG WITH MY FRIENDS ?

If you’re like most people, you’re probably receiving Friendship Services from a network of Providers haphazardly patched together based on where you’ve lived, worked, or gone to school. The result is costly duplication, inefficiency and conflict. Some Providers may not meet national standards, responding to your needs with inappropriate, outmoded, or experimental behavior. Under Managed Caring(tm), your friendship needs are coordinated by a designated Best Friend, who Cares(tm) about the quality of all your Friendships.

HOW DO I KNOW THESE AREN’T JUST A BUNCH OF LOSERS WHO CAN’T MAKE FRIENDS ON THEIR OWN ?

Many of today’s most dedicated and highly trained Friendship Providers are as concerned as we are about delivering quality Caring(tm) in a cost-effective way. They have joined our network because they want to focus on Caring(tm) for you rather than devoting their resources to the paperwork and high Bad Friendship premiums that have sent the cost of traditional Friendship Delivery system skyrocketing. Our Friendship Providers have met our rigorous standards of loyalty.

WHAT IF I NEED A SPECIAL FRIEND, SAY FOR POKER OR FISHING ?

Special Friends are responsible for most of the unnecessary Friendship Procedures that have sent the cost of the traditional Friendship Delivery system skyrocketing. By training, experience, and by virtue of knowing you for what you really are, your Best Friend is qualified to refer you to a Special Friend within the Managed Caring(tm) network should your needs fall outside the scope of his or her excellent training.

SUPPOSE I WANT TO SEE FRIENDS OUTSIDE THE MANAGED CARING(tm) NETWORK ? CAN MY BEST FRIEND EVER REFER ME TO THEM ?

No. The only time you can see a Friendship Provider without first consulting your Best Friend is in the event of a Friendship Emergency.

WHAT’S THAT ?

The Managed Caring(tm) Plan covers your friendship needs 24 hours a day, 365 days a year anywhere in the world, even if you need a friend out of town, after business hours, or when your Best Friend is Caring(tm) for someone else. You may be on a business trip and find yourself lonely. In such a case, you may make a New Friend, and all appropriate Friendship Procedures delivered in this Emergency Friendship will be covered under the plan, provided you notify us within two business days.

WHAT FRIENDSHIP PROCEDURES ARE COVERED UNDER THE PLAN ?

Typical Friendship Procedures covered include (but are not limited to): Chewing the fat, slinging the bull, shooting the breeze, hanging out, checking in, cheering up, kidding around, dropping over, partying, moaning, gossiping, joshing, ribbing, holding your hand, patting your back.

ARE ANY FRIENDSHIP PROCEDURES NOT COVERED UNDER THE PLAN ?

Yes. Ineligible services include (but are not limited to): drinking in excess of six ounces of alcoholic beverages, lending sums in excess of $5, going the extra mile, exchanging ethnic or dirty jokes, and sex.

HOW CAN I FIND OUT IF THE FRIENDSHIP PROCEDURE I NEED IS COVERED ?

If you need a Friendship Procedure, call the toll-free number on your Managed Caring(tm) ID card to arrange for precertification of the proposed Procedure. All appropriate Procedures will be approved for coverage within 24 business hours.

BUT WHO DECIDES WHAT’S APPROPRIATE FOR ME ?

We do. Isn’t that what friends are for ?

C+-

========================================================================

              Announcing C+- (Pronounced: C More or Less)

         Unlike C++, C+- is a subject-oriented language (SOL).

                Contributed by J. Favero, INTECS, Italy

Each C+- class instance, known as a subject, holds hidden members, known

as prejudices, agendas or undeclared preferences, which are impervious
to outside messages, as well as public members, known as boasts or
claims.  The following C operators are overridden as shown:

   >      better than
   <      worse than
   >>     way better than
   <<     forget it
   !      not on your life
   ==     comparable, other things being equal
   !==    get a life, guy!

C+- is a strongly typed language, based on stereotyping and self- righteous logic. The Boolean variables TRUE and FALSE (known as constants in other, less realistic languages) are supplemented with CREDIBLE and DUBIOUS, which are fuzzier than Zadeh’s traditional fuzzy categories. All Booleans can be declared with the modifiers strong and weak. Weak implication is said to “preserve deniability” and was added at the request of the DoD to ensure compatibility with future versions of Ada. Well-formed falsehoods (WFFs) are assignment-compatible with all

Booleans. What-if and why-not interactions are aided by the special conditional evenifnot X then Y.

C+- supports information hiding and, among friend classes only, rumor sharing. Borrowing from the Eiffel lexicon, non-friend classes can be killed by arranging contracts. Note that friendships are intransitive, volatile and non-Abelian.

Operator precedence rules can be suspended with the directive #pragma dwim, known as the “Do what I mean” pragma.

ANSIfication will be firmly resisted. C+-‘s slogan is “Be Your Own Standard.”

Outsourcing

CANBERRA, ACT - Peter Fyfe, Director, Residences at the University of Canberra and father of two, has announced plans to outsource his children to a private enterprise specializing in child rearing as part of his family’s cost saving effort. Fyfe said that his request for proposals will go out very soon, and that he hopes that a contractor will be in place by Christmas 1997.

Fyfe says that he anticipates saving 25% of his child rearing expenses by hiring a company which specializes in the field. He believes that between the things that his kids destroy, the wear and tear the kids put on the family residence and vehicles, and the other expenses such as school and activities, he should be able to pay a private firm about 75% of what he currently spends on his children.

Although his children have expressed concern that being raised by non-parents would be impersonal and would deprive them of some of their current privileges, Fyfe has worked to alleviate their fears. He held a family dinner meeting to announce the decision and told the kids that mere parents don’t really know how to raise kids until the kids are grown. This is obvious because every grandparent on the street has advice to give to any parent they meet. A professional child rearing service would already know how to raise children and not make the mistakes of a rookie parent.

The outsource proposal requires companies to provide the children with benefits at least the same overall level as they receive at home, with some benefits (TV hours for example) expanding, while others (parental attention) declining. The proposal mandates certain “core” benefits, such as food, clothing, and schooling; but, leaves the non-core (music, sport, television) at the discretion of the contractor.

The outsourcing would phase in over a six month period, with the children initially spending daytime hours at their outsource site and sleeping at their parent’s home; but, as space becomes available offsite, the children will begin spending all their time away from home except when they are desperately needed at home (for example, when the yard needs “patrolling”).

The children originally expressed dismay at residing off-site, but Fyfe told them that they would have weekly visitation to the house to retrieve any personal belongings, get new books, ‘perform’ on their musical instruments or talk to, their parents. This would also allow the kids to visit their pet (one dog), at least until phase 2 of Fyfe’s cost cutting spree, which includes outsourcing the family pet. Fyfe would not say where he came up with the idea of outsourcing the children, other than to admit that he and his wife were having a discussion about family finances which illustrated the need to raise the family in a “better, faster, cheaper” mode.

Although his wife was initially reluctant to have the children raised offsite, Fyfe convinced her to accept the scheme because she too was eligible for “outsourcing.”

Great New Software Announcement

A great new software announcement!!! This memo is to announce the development of a new software system.

We are currently building a data center that will contain all firm data that is Year 2000 compliant. The program is referred to as the “Millennia Year Application Software System” (MYASS).

Next Monday at 9:00 there will be a meeting in which I will show MYASS to everyone. We will continue to hold demonstrations throughout the month so that all employees will have an opportunity to get a good look at MYASS.

As for the status of the implementation of the program, I have not addressed the networking aspects so currently only one person at a time can use MYASS. This restriction will be removed after MYASS expands.

Several people are using the program already and have come to depend on it. Just this morning I walked into a subordinate’s office and was not surprised to find that he had his nose buried in MYASS. I’ve noticed that some of the less technical personnel are somewhat afraid of MYASS.

Just last week, when asked to enter some information into the program, I had a secretary say to me “I’m a little nervous, I’ve never put anything in MYASS before.” I volunteered to help her through her first time and when we were through she admitted that it was relatively painless and she was actually looking forward to doing it again. She went so far as to say that after using SAP and Oracle, she was ready to kiss MYASS.

I know there are concerns over the virus that was found in MYASS upon initial installation, but I am pleased to say the virus has been eliminated and we were able to save MYASS. In the future, however, protection will be required prior to entering MYASS.

We planned this database to encompass all information associated with the business. So as you begin using the program, feel free to put anything you want into MYASS. As MYASS grows larger, we envision a time when it will be commonplace to walk by an office and see a manager hand a paper to an employee and say “Here, stick this in MYASS.”

This program has already demonstrated great benefit to the company during recent OSHA and EPA audits. After requesting certain historical data the agency representatives were amazed at how quickly we provided the information. When asked how the numbers could be retrieved so rapidly our Environmental Manager proudly stated “Simple, I just pulled them out of MYASS.”

Prison vs. Work

In prison, you spend a majority of your time in an 8x10 cell. At work, you spend most of your time in a 6x8 cubicle.

In prison, you get three meals a day. At work, you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for that one.

In prison, you get time off for good behaviour. At work, you get rewarded for good behavior with more work.

At work, you must carry a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself. In prison, a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.

In prison, you can watch TV and play games. At work, you get fired for watching TV and playing games.

In prison, they ball-and-chain you when you go somewhere. At work, you’re just ball-and-chained.

In prison, you get your own toilet. At work, you have to share.

In prison, they allow your family and friends to visit. At work, you can’t even speak to your family and friends.

In prison, all expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work required. At work, you get to pay all expenses to go to work and then deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.

In prison, you spend most of your life looking through bars from the inside wanting to get out. At work, you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go to bars.

In prison, you can join many programs which you can leave at any time. At work, there are some programs you can never get out of.

In prison, there are sadistic wardens. At work, you have managers.

Drug Dealing vs. Software Development

Drug Dealers and Software Developers: coincidence?

Drug dealers Software developers
Refer to their clients as “users”. Refer to their clients as “users”.
“The first one’s free!” “Download a free trial version...”
Have important South-East Asian connections to help move the stuff). Have important South-East Asian connections (to help debug the code).
Strange jargon: “Stick,” “Rock,” “Dime bag,” “E”. Strange jargon: “SCSI,” “RTFM,” “Java,” “ISDN”.
Realize that there’s tons of cash in the 14- to 25-year-old market. Realize that there’s tons of cash in the 14- to 25-year-old market.
Job is assisted by the industry’s producing newer, more potent mixes. Job is assisted by industry’s producing newer, faster machines.
Often seen in the company of pimps and hustlers. Often seen in the company of marketing people and venture capitalists.
Their product causes unhealthy addictions. DOOM. Quake. SimCity. Duke Nukem 3D. ‘Nuff said.
Do your job well, and you can sleep with sexy movie stars who depend on you. Damn! Damn! DAMN!!!

Is Windows a virus?

No, Windows is not a virus. Here’s what viruses do:

They replicate quickly. Okay, Windows does that.

Viruses use up valuable system resources, slowing down the system as they do. So okay, Windows does that.

Viruses will, from time to time, trash your hard disk. Okay, Windows does that, too.

Viruses are usually carried, unknown to the user, along with valuable programs and systems. Sigh... Windows does that, too.

Viruses will occasionally make the user suspect their system is too slow (see 2) and the user will buy new hardware. Yup, that’s with Windows, too

Until now it seems Windows is a virus but there are fundamental differences: Viruses are well supported by their authors, are running on most systems, their program code is fast, compact and efficient and they tend to become more sophisticated as they mature.

So, Windows is not a virus

Computer & Programmer Humor

“Unix was not designed to stop people from doing stupid things, because that would also stop them from doing clever things.”

–Doug Gwyn

“Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning.”

–Rich Cook

“True research is like fumbling in the dark for the right switches. Once you’ve turned the light on everyone can see...”

–unknown

“An idiot with a computer is a faster, better idiot.”

–Rich Julius

“Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proved it correct, not tried it.”

–Donald Knuth

“C makes it easy to shoot yourself in the foot. C++ makes it harder, but when you do, it blows away your whole leg.”

–Bjarne Stroustrup

“I’ve never met a human being who would want to read 17,000 pages of documentation, and if there was, I’d kill him to get him out of the gene pool.”

–Joseph Costello, President of Cadence

“The primary purpose of the DATA statement is to give names to constants; instead of referring to pi as 3.141592653589793 at every appearance, the variable pi can be given that value with a DATA statement and used instead of the longer form of the constant. This also simplifies modifying the program, should the value of pi change.”

–FORTRAN manual for Xerox computers

“The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offence.”

–E. W. Dijkstra

“It is practically impossible to teach good programming style to students that [sic] have had prior exposure to BASIC; as potential programmers they are mentally mutilated beyond hope of regeneration.”

–E. W. Dijkstra

“A system admin’s life is a sorry one. The only advantage he has over Emergency Room doctors is that malpractice suits are rare. On the other hand, ER doctors never have to deal with patients installing new versions of their own innards!”

–Michael O’Brien

“The C Programming Language - A language which combines the flexibility of assembly language with the power of assembly language.”

“Pascal - A programming language named after a man who would turn over in his grave if he knew about it.”

PROGRAM - n. - A magic spell cast over a computer allowing it to turn one’s input into error messages. v. tr.- To engage in a pastime similar to banging one’s head against a wall, but with fewer opportunities for reward